Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart...

Its been almost a year since my last post & I am sure its because I have a much easier time ignoring my feelings than I do expressing them.

We have since passed the 5 year mark of our TTC journey. Mind you, the first few years were not as involved or planned out as the last few, but it’s still 5 years we’ve spent crossing our fingers that “this will be the cycle!”  and continuously having our hearts ripped out and stomped on.

I haven’t been in a good place recently, mentally or emotionally. I have let our struggles, the emptiness I feel, consume me. My mind is constantly going to a dark place from my past that I hoped to never see again and I’m scared. I am aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my actions, but I am not in complete control of them any more. I lash out at my family, my friends, my co-workers but am quick to recover with a laugh so no one knows of my momentary lapse. I withdraw myself from situations that I would normally run to with open arms – family gatherings, dinners & parties with friends, re-uniting with people I haven’t seen in years with a promise that we’ll “do it ASAP!”. I have lost all motivation to better my health by skipping out on the gym, eating what I want, when I want or not eating at all by convincing myself that “I’ll start again tomorrow”. I don’t sleep because “sleep is for the weak” but really I just can’t stop thinking of all the things I hate about myself long enough to let my mind & body rest.  I am in a constant battle with me that I can not fight my way out of. I haven’t lost that control since struggling with drugs & drinking in my early teens, and I am so afraid that I won’t be able to see my breaking point coming.

I’ve never been more scared of myself than I am right now.

I need to find myself again. I need to find the strong, independent, emotionally-in-control girl that I know I can be, but how? I know that she is still here because I still haven’t given up. I know that one day our dreams of being parents will come true. I know that I will find my motivation, that I will be healthier & stronger, that I will be the best person that I can be because even though it feels like my heart is breaking constantly, I keep dreaming.

Tomorrow I meet with a Psychologist, hoping to find myself again. Words can not describe how nervous, scared, anxious & excited I am. I cross my fingers and hope to hell that she can help me