Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears..

What does it feel like to give up? Some times I think that I've given up on this journey of trying to have a baby. I know myself better than to think I could just give up on something that is so important to not only myself, my husband & my family, but other times I wonder if life would be so much easier if I did.

How do you know when you're ready to give up? I can't remember the last time I went a day, or an hour, without being reminded of the hole in my heart that seems to keep getting bigger as our time as a child-less couple passes.

I am surrounded with so many people that offer me so much love & support, who encourage me day after day to keep strong, reminding me that it will happen when it is meant to happen. People who don't have any experience with infertility, and conception, always ask "Why isn't that enough?" Why can't I just accept it, and go about my day - my life - and let things happen how they are meant to happen? 

Good question.

Do you know what it is like to not be in control of your own body? To not know what is happening, when its happening, why its happening? Better yet - why is it NOT happening? Do you know what it feels like to want something so. damn. bad. and to live every single day knowing that you may never, ever, ever get it? 

Infertility isn't a blessing - I'm not "thankful" that I don't have to deal with morning sickness, I'm not "glad" that I don't have children to pick up after, I'm not "lucky" because we can take trips when we want to.. I'm heart broken that I may never have the opportunity to be someone's hero, or to be loved unconditionally like a child can love their mother. 

I know I haven't given up on our journey because I still fight through every single waking moment of my life knowing that one day it will all be worth it. I still look at my husband and smile at the thought of us creating a life together that will be a little bit of everything I love about him. I still use "when" instead of "if", I still cry when another cycle begins and I still have a little bit of hope for every late day