Tuesday, 16 April 2013

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever..

Two weeks ago, today, you could have told me that I didn't know what it felt like to be on top of the world, 
and I would have told you that you were wrong. 

On Tuesday, April 2nd at 5:30am I turned off my alarm and crawled out of bed, much like I did every other day of the week. I stumbled in to the bathroom and before I knew it, I was staring at a very dark, very positive pregnancy test. I wish I could tell you that I cried, that I jumped up and down, that I screamed - but I didn't.. I took another test, I took pictures of those tests and I just sat there. I sat there after 5 very long, very emotional years of trying to start our family just staring blankly at what sat on the counter before me, holding my breath.. and then I smiled for what seemed like an eternity. My cheeks started to get sore & finally I  remembered to exhale. 

I can't tell you why I tested that morning. I wasn't sick, I wasn't "late" because AF & I hadn't had a get-together in months. My subconscious just knew, I guess. 

I patiently waited for Chris to wake up so I could show him. The second I heard his alarm go off, I barged in to our bedroom, flopped myself down on the bed and shoved my phone in his face to show him the pictures. At first he looked confused, and then he stumbled out of bed to the washroom, returning with a confused look on his face.. after a few moments, he looks at me innocently and asks:

 "those are ovulation tests, right?" 

No, Christopher..

"those are pregnancy tests.."

I waited for his reaction, and while it was but a few seconds, it seemed like forever. I admired the confused look on his face and he blurts out "I wondered why we weren't having sex right now.." and I couldn't help but laugh almost hysterically. 

I called my Doctors' office and was scheduled to see him on Wednesday April 3rd, where he confirmed that I wasn't just seeing things - the tests were positive & we were having a baby! Because of how irregular my cycles were, we had no idea when we would have conceived so I was given a requisition for some bloodwork & a dating ultrasound which was scheduled for April 11th.

The next week was one of the best of my life. I know it was only a week ago, but I remember feeling like I was unstoppable. There wasn't a single co-worker, customer, person or thing that could bring me down.  Every time I looked at Chris I knew, I knew this was it for us - this was our happiness, this is what we've been waiting for. My husband has always been an amazing man - loving, supportive, doting, comforting - but never have I felt so much love, support, comfort and admiration as I have since that day. 

The next couple of days were nerve racking  to say the least, because I noticed some light pink colouring on the toilet paper when I went to the washroom, but I knew that as long as there was no red/new blood - not to panic.

The evening of Monday, April 8th after we finished dinner we sat down with some ice cream and watched TV. Within a half hour of finishing my ice cream I was in excruciating pain, my entire stomach felt as though I was being punched and stabbed simultaneously. A part of me believed it was the ice cream, since I always get sick after eating it (sucker for punishment, I guess!) but another part of me knew that this had to be more than a little lactose intolerance. I called for Chris & we made our way to the hospital.

I won't bore you with the details of the ER room, because there is only so much you can say about spending hours upon hours waiting. 

What I will say is that I was so, so scared for this baby that I already loved so much. For every twinge, every pain that I felt, I wondered if s/he felt it too. 

After 5 hours, we finally saw the Doctor, after a pelvic exam he explained that he found some blood on my cervix & advised that it usually is a sign of miscarriage but we would need an ultrasound to confirm. Miscarriage - though it was not in my control - was not an option. We've waited so long for this, too long, for it to be taken away.

Once the exam was complete we were instructed to "sit tight" until my bloodwork came back, but instead we took a walk to schedule my Ultrasound for the next day. We weren't able to get an appointment until 1pm, which was infuriating to me. It took everything in me to accept the 1pm appointment and walk away. We were discharged at 4am Tuesday morning, went home to get some sleep, anticipating our Ultrasound in just a few short hours.

One week ago, today, you could have told me that I didn't know what it felt like to to have my heart removed from my body by hand and crushed in to a million tiny pieces in front of my own eyes, and I would have told you that you were wrong...

By 2pm I was in a gown, in Observation, awaiting the results of our UltraSound. The knot that formed in the pit of my stomach was enough to bring me to my knees if I had been standing. If everything was okay, I wouldn't be in a gown, fasting, with an IV "just in case", right? The nurse, Kaylee, was amazing - she assured me that it was standard practice and that they just want to be prepared but that she was hopeful for us. I know it's her job to put my mind at ease by telling me its "standard practice" but I think because she seemed so genuine, so sweet, that I almost believed it. 

It wasn't long after that the Doctor came in with our results. He told us that our little baby was 6 weeks, 5 days old and growing strong. I could see the report, sitting on his lap, where it went on to say a heartbeat of 119BPM was detected. A huge sigh of relief hit me and before I finished my breath he went on to say that the Radiologist "thinks" that the pregnancy - though otherwise viable - will need to be terminated due to it being in my right tube. 

Thinks? Terminated

What just happened?

They called in an OBGYN who reviewed our ultrasound and confirmed that we will need to terminate our pregnancy due to the baby implanting in my right tube. It was likely that my tube would need to be removed after the pregnancy was terminated due to how far along I was. Dr Thorne made it a point to let us know how lucky we were because tubal pregnancies can be fatal to the mother, she was surprised that I made it as far as I did and believes I would have made it farther if it wasn't for the fluke of these pains, which means I could have lost my life. 

I can't really explain what happened at that moment, because I don't quite know. There were tears, so many tears. There was pain, so much pain. Chris went to call his parents to let them know, within the hour my mom & Krista were by my side until I went to the OR. Chris' parents showed up while I was in surgery, and I am so thankful that he was not alone while waiting for me.

Its been a short, painful journey. In one week our entire lives changed for the absolute best & the absolute worst. If it wasn't for our families, for my husband, for my friends - I am not sure where I would go from here. The support & love we have received is unexplainable. Words cannot describe how thankful I am for everyone who has been there for us, who has reached out, who has called, texted, emailed, stopped by, who has sent gifts & offered a shoulder during this time.

I spend a lot of time wondering if it will ever hurt less. It feels like it hurts more today than it did yesterday, but I will remain hopeful that one day I will be able to take the best parts of me and the best parts of my husband and create life between us again. I will know that love, that unconditional, eternal, deep love that I felt for just a short week.

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart...

Its been almost a year since my last post & I am sure its because I have a much easier time ignoring my feelings than I do expressing them.

We have since passed the 5 year mark of our TTC journey. Mind you, the first few years were not as involved or planned out as the last few, but it’s still 5 years we’ve spent crossing our fingers that “this will be the cycle!”  and continuously having our hearts ripped out and stomped on.

I haven’t been in a good place recently, mentally or emotionally. I have let our struggles, the emptiness I feel, consume me. My mind is constantly going to a dark place from my past that I hoped to never see again and I’m scared. I am aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my actions, but I am not in complete control of them any more. I lash out at my family, my friends, my co-workers but am quick to recover with a laugh so no one knows of my momentary lapse. I withdraw myself from situations that I would normally run to with open arms – family gatherings, dinners & parties with friends, re-uniting with people I haven’t seen in years with a promise that we’ll “do it ASAP!”. I have lost all motivation to better my health by skipping out on the gym, eating what I want, when I want or not eating at all by convincing myself that “I’ll start again tomorrow”. I don’t sleep because “sleep is for the weak” but really I just can’t stop thinking of all the things I hate about myself long enough to let my mind & body rest.  I am in a constant battle with me that I can not fight my way out of. I haven’t lost that control since struggling with drugs & drinking in my early teens, and I am so afraid that I won’t be able to see my breaking point coming.

I’ve never been more scared of myself than I am right now.

I need to find myself again. I need to find the strong, independent, emotionally-in-control girl that I know I can be, but how? I know that she is still here because I still haven’t given up. I know that one day our dreams of being parents will come true. I know that I will find my motivation, that I will be healthier & stronger, that I will be the best person that I can be because even though it feels like my heart is breaking constantly, I keep dreaming.

Tomorrow I meet with a Psychologist, hoping to find myself again. Words can not describe how nervous, scared, anxious & excited I am. I cross my fingers and hope to hell that she can help me