Its been almost a year since my last post & I am sure
its because I have a much easier time ignoring my feelings than I do expressing
them.
We have since passed the 5 year mark of our TTC journey. Mind
you, the first few years were not as involved or planned out as the last few,
but it’s still 5 years we’ve spent crossing our fingers that “this will be the
cycle!” and continuously having our
hearts ripped out and stomped on.
I haven’t been in a good place recently, mentally or
emotionally. I have let our struggles, the emptiness I feel, consume me. My
mind is constantly going to a dark place from my past that I hoped to never see
again and I’m scared. I am aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my
actions, but I am not in complete control of them any more. I lash out at my
family, my friends, my co-workers but am quick to recover with a laugh so no
one knows of my momentary lapse. I withdraw myself from situations that I would
normally run to with open arms – family gatherings, dinners & parties with
friends, re-uniting with people I haven’t seen in years with a promise that we’ll
“do it ASAP!”. I have lost all motivation to better my health by skipping out
on the gym, eating what I want, when I want or not eating at all by convincing
myself that “I’ll start again tomorrow”. I don’t sleep because “sleep is for
the weak” but really I just can’t stop thinking of all the things I hate about
myself long enough to let my mind & body rest. I am in a constant battle with me that I can
not fight my way out of. I haven’t lost that control since struggling with
drugs & drinking in my early teens, and I am so afraid that I won’t be able
to see my breaking point coming.
I’ve never been more scared of myself than I am right now.
Tomorrow I meet with a Psychologist, hoping to find myself again. Words can not describe how nervous, scared, anxious & excited I am. I cross my fingers and hope to hell that she can help me
5 years. No one should have to deal with infertility that long. We've only been TTC for 14 months (plus about a year of NTNP) and I already feel depressed over it. Are you guys currently going through any kind of treatment?
ReplyDeleteThe next step for us is IUI, however I want to make sure I'm as healthy as possible before we invest the money IUI will cost us to ensure our chances are as high as they can be. I have about 60lbs to go to where the doctor is most comfortable,however we could have went back this past summer, I just made the decision on my own to wait until I am healthier. I am hoping that by my 26th birthday (August 25th, this year) we will be able to move forward with that.
ReplyDeleteHow about you guys?
<3 I love you girl... You are one of the strongest women I have the privilege of knowing and calling my friends. I KNOW it will happen for you, and you will be an amazing mom!!! You're an inspiration to me and many others; keep on believing! <3
ReplyDeleteI can't offer any advice since I have no idea what it is like, yet. But I do wish you blessings in this new year! I have been following your journey, and I keep my fingers & toes crossed for you. I know it isn't an easy journey to document, and I do believe it takes a lot of courage to document it. This is why I have nominated you for the Liebster Award. You can get the details here: http://2lovebirdsbuildinganest.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-liebster-award.html . I hope 2013 is the year! Keep posting. We're all rooting for you!
ReplyDelete